tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central March 21, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PDT
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> every second they're dating these numbers. look around here. these are the people who are doing it. this is state-of-the-art facility here incaptioning spony comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the "report," everybody, thank you so much. (audience chanting "stephen") captioning sponsored by comedy central chaudz. >> stephen: oh, you can feel it! you can feel it, you absolutely cant. folks, there's an excitement in the air. tomorrow is super tuesday when ten states hold their presidential primaries and the "report" will be your complete source for wall-to-wall super tuesday coverage that i taped before the polls close, edit down to a half hour and air at 11:30. (laughter) but we will have the most
up-to-the-minute guesstimates and... (laughter) ... informative make 'em ups. (laughter) of course, i'll be joined by the whole "the colbert report" election team. me... (laughter) not to be outdone by cnn, i will be surrounded by eight laptops. (laughter) folks i don't know about you but i also don't know about me. because it looks like it's going to be mitt romney's night. he has strong leads in massachusetts, vermont, virginia and idaho. no surprise, it's the potato state and mitt is nothing if not pale and starchy. (laughter) and, folks, it's not looking good for mitt in georgia, tennessee, and ohio and there are also three primaries in states i can't remember but if any of the candidates can remember, that would give them a
huge advantage. (laughter) the point is, from a purely mathematical standpoint, i and my fellow conservatives will eventually yield to the inevitability of mitt romney. so, jimmy, let's put down the "countdown to loving mitt" clock up. how long have i got? oh, god. (laughter) 23:58. i can't breathe. jimmy, take it down! take it down! (laughs) it's just bad luck for the bride to see the man you agreed to marry before you want to. (laughter) folks, i want to take a moment to talk about the most important issue to voters this year, contraception. this affront it is decency comes in many forms-- condoms, the pill, the die graph, the sponge, the chamois. (laughter)
now as a catholic i endorse only the rhythm method which is when you do it while listening to the miami sound machine. watch out, sperm, the rhythm is gonna get ya! (laughter) now, obamacare mandates that all employers have to cover contraceptives. so last week congress held hearings featuring a who's who of who doesn't have ovaries. (laughter) democrats wanted georgetown law student sandra fluke to testify. well, republicans couldn't allow that. these women get all emotional about their reproductive rights. so the dirty dems held a special session which ms. fluke spoke in favor of contraceptive coverage. that angered radio host and poster boy for contraception rush limbaugh. (laughter) jim >>? >> what does it say that college coed susan fluke who goes before
a congressional committee and essentially says she must be paid to have sex? what does that make her? it makes her a slut, right? makes her a prostitute. >> stephen: good point, rush. she's a slut and a prostitute. that's two jobs and she still can't afford her own birth control? come on! now there's an old saying in radio "we've got three hours to fill, keep talking." and he did. >> so ms. fluke-- and the rest of you femme nazis, here's the deal, if we are going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex we want something for it. i'll tell you what it is. post the videos online so we can all watch. (audience reacts) >> stephen: that's right, if the tax payer are going to pay for it, we should watch. there should be a dedicated youtube channel for medicare
patient's colonoscopies. come on, mr. wine gardener, we paid for a peek at those polyps, you butt slut. (laughter) folks, rush wasn't just name calling! he was concerned! >> she's having so much sex she can't afford her own birth control pills. ms. fluke, have you ever heard of not having sex? have you ever heard of not having sex so often? >> stephen: yes. because that's how the pill works! the more sex you have, the more birth control pills you have to take. it's one for each sperm. they act like little baby deflectors. (laughter) and rush knows what he's talking about because every time he's had sex with a woman he's had to slip her a pill first. (cheers and applause)
of course, you call one woman you've never met a slut and a prostitute and demand she post an internet gang bang tape and suddenly the lame stream media is jumping down your throat if there were room in there with all that ham. (laughter) so naturally the republican candidate were called upon to repudiate rush, and they did so in no certain terms. >> it's a bit absurd but that's... an entertainer can be absurd. >> it's not the language i would have used. >> yes, slut and prostitute is not the language mitt would have used. he might have used "trollop" or "wanton harlot" or "bow legged dumpster skank." (laughter) and, folks, as of this broadcast 12 advertisers have pulled their support from rush's show, including proflowers, qiben loans, sleep train, sleep number
it is russian systems, carbon night and legal zoom. no surprise there, folks, all these problems clearly endorse the slut life-style. mattresss to do it on, flowers to thank her for the sluting and quicken spreadsheets to organize who you're going to spread it quick for under the sheets. (applause) and legal zoom we know is just short for legal zooma-zooma-zoom and a boom boom. (laughter) but faced with losing sponsors, today the unthinkable happened. rush apologized for calling ms. fluke a slut and a prostitute. >> i again sincerely apologize to ms. fluke for using those two words to describe her. i do not think she is either those two words. >> stephen: yes, rush apologized for using those two words to describe her. but he still stands behind
everything else he said. >> sandra fluke is having so much sex that she can't afford it. she wants all the sex in the world, wherever she wants it all the time. they're lined up around the block. we're talking sex addict frequency. it's immoral. baseless. no purpose to her life. ms. fluke, who bought your condoms in junior high? (audience reacts) >> stephen: i don't understand why this man has gone through four wives. (laughter) (cheers and applause) but, folks, i will tell you, i don't think rush should have apologized for calling her a prostitute! i mean, it takes one to know one! (laughter) and, remember, he only apologized to keep his advertisers proving rush will do anything with his mouth for
(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody, thanks so much. folks, anybody who knows me knows i love bowling because it has the personalities. and there's no bigger diva than pro bowling legend pete weber who just won his fifth u.s. open and then rub it had universe's nose in it. >> and he got it!
>> that is right! i did it! are you kidding me? that's right! what do you think you are? i am! >> stephen: yeah! who do you think you are? i am! who edes's your daddy! that's why! don't mess with texas. jake, it's chinatown! this is the score report! (cheers and applause) first up, nascar. folks, i'm a huge fan of watching people drive in a circle 500 times. so i was stoked for last week's daytona 500 and the sprint cup debut of danica patrick. she is an inspiration to all the young girls out there driving 200 miles an hour. unfortunately a crash knocked her out of the running but she's still making news thanks to a
fox 5 san diego news leader. >> danica patrick is such a pretty girl and she makes a lot of money in sponsorships because of this. what's not attractive is that she's sexy and she knows it. >> i don't quite understand why when you're referring to a girl, a female athlete in particular, that you have to use the word "sexy." there any other word that you can use to describe me? >> oh, i got a few words. starts with a "b" and it's not beautiful. (audience reacts) >> stephen: is it bah-sexy? now his comment has gone viral and he has been suspended but i'm sorry, dan car, he's a friend and he's got a point here. if you want to be thought of as sexy, don't pose for the "sports illustrated" swimsuit issue or f.h.m. or take your clothes off in that go daddy got com commercial or shower with a woman in that other godaddy.com
commercial. i'm going to go out on a limb here and say she may have go-daddy issues. (laughter) young lady, if you want to be taken seriously as competitor, you stick to your sport the way male athletes do, like tom brady. alex rodriguez. and david beckham. here he is just playing soccer. (laughter) i think that stock room is certainly seeing some balls. (laughter and applause) and beckham appears to be spending it. (laughter) next finally comes the most damning n.f.l. scandal in years not involving the word "sex boat." jim? >> there ares is a brewing scandal involveing the n.f.l.'s new orleans saints. saints players maintained a bounty over the last few seasons including payments for players
who targeted opponents with the aim of injuring them. >> the suns reached as high as $50,000. players received $1,500 for knocking players out of the game and a thousand for a cartoff. >> what's shocking about this is that guys were getting paid to go out and knock people out of the game. >> stephen: yes, i am shocked, shocked, i tell you that n.f.l. players were being paid bonuses to injure each other! they're already paid a basalry to injure each other. i'm sickened by allegations that in a playoff game in 2010 saint's defensive captain jonathan vilma offered $10,000 in cash to any player who knocked vikings quarterback brett favre out of the game. the irony, of course, is that later that year brett favre was knocked out of football when he tweeted his own helmeted warrior.
(laughter) i certainly hope you kept the kids up for that one. i also hope that those responsible are punished, the n.f.l. continues its emphasis on safety and those defensive players learn to tackle the right way that ends up in the top ten hits montage on the n.f.l..com! we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
starring on broodway in a revival of gershwin's "porgy and bess." bess, you is my guest now. please welcome audra mcdonald. (cheers and applause) hey, audra, good to see you again. >> how are you? >> stephen: i haven't seen you since we both performed at the kennedy center honors. what that's what i do. i perform with people like you at the kennedy center these days. >> you were amazing. you rocked it. >> stephen: speaking of rocking it, new the new production of the gershwin's porgy and bess. this musical is incredibly important not only to america but to america because... (laughter) it takes place in my hometown south carolina. >> yes, it takes place in charleston, south carolina, in cabbage threw is an old mansion that in the 30s a lot of african americans lived in as a
tenement. and it's one of the first american operas that we have by george gershwin. >> i lived on the same street as cabbage row. >> no way! >> i lived on batterry. you could go up and rainbow roy row was that area. bess live there is in charleston and goes to new york. i lived in charleston and i went to new york. >> yes! >> stephen: so this place kind of... this play is kind of about me. (laughter) >> well, sort of not because... (laughter) >> stephen: but how? oh, because i'm not black. >> you're not black. seriously, you're not black. it was written by caucasian men about african american life. >> stephen: we prefer to be called white americans. why >> white americans? sorry. it was written by du bose hayward and george gershwin. >> stephen: a couple white people writing about black people. many people have called it a racist stereotype of black life. >> a lot of famous people who have been in productions, a lot of famous historians and social
historians, v said they are stereotypes because they're written from an outside advantage point so what we've done is we've done a little changes to humanize them a little more and focus mainly on the characters and the story, this great love story between porgy and bess and we eliminated as much as the racial sort of things that would that i can macthem more archetypes and stereotypes as we possibly can. >> stephen: so if you see them you will not be a racist. (laughter) you don't have to be a racist to enjoy it is what i'm saying. >> maybe racists will enjoy it as well. i don't know. >> stephen: it's for everyone! >> bess is a liquor guzzling slut so i imagine rush limbaugh would love it. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and i'm sure he's had his share of enjoying that. now, this is also... the musical was a break through, this led to the first integrated audience. >> well, what happened was the
original porgy, todd duncan and the original bess, ann brown, they were slated to play the national theater in washington, d.c. >> stephen: what year is this? >> this is 1935 or 1936 and it's a segregated house so they refused to perform and they were threatened with being charged by the equity association and they held their ground and said no, we refuse to perform unless you desecretary general gait this house. so the national theater was desegregated for the first time for "porgy and bess" so they could perform to a completely integrated house and then they segregated as soon as the production closed it went right back to being segregated. >> stephen: wow. can white people do this production? is it mostly black people? >> i'm going to tell you... there are a couple of caucasians... what do you like to be called? white men? >> stephen: white americans. white male americans if you want to be specific. or whitey. (laughter) that's what we call each other. you can't call us that.
(laughter) >> stephen: there's a couple of whiteys in the show. (laughter) but they're sort of outsiders that come in and sort of stir up a little bit of trouble. although there was an all-white version in, i think, denmark during nazi... the nazi era and it got shut down. >> stephen: the nazis really captured the spirit. (laughter) folks, stick around, audra is going to do a song for you in just a moment and let everybody know why this is the great american opera. we'll be back with a performance from porgy and bess. at olive garden.